Everyone is Allowed to Have a Bad Day

Let me be blunt. All kids, neurodivergent or not, have “bad” days. Days when they are just “off,” or irritable. Days when everything just “sets them off.” Days when they want to be left alone. Days when they don’t follow directions or they “talk back.” That’s not “autism,” that’s childhood. 

And I will bet that you have those kinds of days, too. I know that I do. Right now, as we head into fall, the fall allergens are making their presence known, and I can feel the sinus pressure building. And when that happens, it isn’t just the sinus pressure that builds, but other kinds too, if you know what I mean. I am, umm, a little less patient and a little bit more irritable. That’s part of being human.

My sinus issues are a minor example, of course, and many of the things that impact our “mood” carry so much more weight. But the point is, we all know we have those kinds of days, and so do our kids. Unlike many of my blogs, where I provide you with strategies and suggestions (hey, who doesn’t love a good bulleted list of tips?), this blog is different. I have only one, okay make that two, tips. Learn to recognize (that’s one) and adjust to (that’s number two) the signs of a “bad” day. And that goes for both your child AND for you. You know what, I will throw in a bonus tip. Don’t beat yourself up when they happen. Let’s unpack that some.

Recognize

Before we go deeper, I want to emphasize that I am not talking about behaviors that happen daily. You should discuss those with your Behavior Analyst. Our focus is on those short-term outbursts - whether they involve anger, defiance, being anti-social, etc. 

Recognizing a “bad day” is less about identifying a specific behavior and more about noticing some shift. You might pick up on a “vibe” change, a drop in energy, a spike in clinginess, or a sudden refusal to do something they normally tolerate. Did your child, who usually loves breakfast, just act like the toast personally offended them? Did you just snap at the dog for breathing too loudly? (obviously, these are totally made-up examples and not something that I have ever done 😬).

Sometimes the signs are subtle and sometimes they are neon flashing signs, but I can promise you they are there. You know your child. You know when something is off. And you also know when YOU are off. You already have this skill. You just need to pay attention and trust your instincts. 

Adjust

Recognizing what’s going on is only half the job. The other half is giving yourself permission to adjust. I don’t mean that in a clinical, “let me consult with my behavior analyst” way (save that for the behaviors that happen daily!), but in a real‑life, Tuesday‑afternoon‑with-a-cranky-kid way.

Adjusting is what you do when you look at your child, look at the plan, and think, “Ah. Okay. Today is not the day for the full math worksheet.” It’s the moment you decide to shorten the demand, soften your tone, or give them a little extra breathing room because the emotional temperature in the room is already warm enough.

Adjusting does not mean “giving in” or “letting them get away with things.” It means responding to the moment instead of fighting it. Sometimes the adjustment is small, for example, switching the order of tasks, offering a break sooner, lowering your voice, or choosing the battle that actually matters. Occasionally, it’s bigger, such as scrapping the afternoon plan entirely because everyone’s fuse is about two inches long and you’d like to keep the house standing.

It should go without saying, but adjusting also means meeting a need if it is contributing to the "bad day." When I have a headache that is making me irritable, I take a pain reliever. Many times a situation can be turned around by recognizing what is at the root and adjusting (or perhaps better phrased, relieving) that; headache, hangry, overstimulated, etc.

Adjusting also applies to you. If you’re having a rough day, you get to modify expectations too. Maybe today is not the day to conquer the laundry mountain or enforce a rigid schedule. Maybe today is the day for “good enough,” leftovers for dinner, and a slightly earlier bedtime for everyone involved.

It’s not weakness. It’s wisdom. It’s parenting with the conditions you actually have, not the ones you wish you had. 

Allow

Consider this your permission slip. Truly. You’re allowed to let the day be what it is instead of what you planned. You’re allowed to not fix every feeling the moment it shows up. You’re allowed to let your child have their emotions without rushing in with a motivational speech or a perfectly timed coping strategy. You’re allowed to let a hard moment pass instead of wrestling it into submission like it’s a test you have to ace.

Allowing doesn’t mean ignoring. It doesn’t mean avoiding. It doesn’t mean shrugging and saying, “Well, guess we’ll never try again.” Allowing simply means accepting that bad days happen. And that trying to force a “good day” out of a “bad day” usually makes everything worse. (If you’ve ever tried to cheer up a grumpy kid by insisting they should be having fun, you already know how that goes.)

“Allowing” doesn't just apply to your child. It’s for you, too. Allow yourself to be imperfect. Allow yourself to make mistakes, get frustrated, reset, and try again tomorrow. Allow yourself to not tackle the laundry mountain or run a perfectly structured evening routine when your own fuse is a little short. Some days you’re the calm anchor; some days you’re the person who needs the anchor. Both are normal.

Bad days are temporary. They don’t define your child. They don’t define your parenting. They don’t erase progress. They’re just days; messy, human, and survivable. And tomorrow is always another chance to start fresh.

We all have days when the world feels too loud or too demanding. Our kids do too, and that is regardless of their diagnosis. Recognizing, adjusting, and allowing those days to be what they are, not what we think they should be, or what we want them to be, is one of the kindest things we can do. For our kids and for ourselves.