Most of my blogs share information about how to support the needs of your autistic child. Every now and then, I like to switch gears and focus on you. Parenting is characterized by many demands and stressors. Parenting a child with autism has its own unique challenges.
Parenting an autistic child is like playing the game “Yeti in my Spaghetti.” In the game, a Yeti sits on a pile of spaghetti noodles that are on top of a bowl. Players take turns removing strands of spaghetti, being careful not to let the Yeti fall into the bowl. As more and more pieces of spaghetti are removed, selecting which noodle to remove becomes more strategic. In the game, eventually, a single noodle will be pulled, and the Yeti falls.
In the metaphor, when a demand, problem, or stressor occurs, it removes a noodle. That’s what it’s like, right? Spending our time having noodles removed from our spaghetti pile, doing everything we can to keep the Yeti out of the bowl. Much of our energy goes to keeping enough noodles holding things in place. So that one day there won’t be that last problem – not even an especially big one – that when it is pulled, the Yeti falls.
If that sounds doubly stressful, it is because it is. There are the day-to-day and unique challenges of parenting an autistic child, plus the stress of ensuring you don’t run out of noodles. To offset that, there are things you can do “for yourself” when possible – those things that social media pushes as “self-care.” Bubble baths. Exercise or taking a walk. Alone time. Or whatever “self-care” strategies you have identified for yourself. Those things are not inconsequential, of course. They can add some noodles to the spaghetti pile if they are restorative. That is a good thing, and everyone needs to do some of that – because noodles can and will get removed. But, even then, it is a constant back-and-forth – spaghetti noodles getting pulled out and you trying to add them back to the pile. Wouldn’t it be better to keep the spaghetti pile as supportive as possible so the Yeti isn’t constantly in danger?
So, what is the solution? Obviously, it is not possible to avoid everything that presents a challenge or expect that things will ever be perfect.* But let’s be honest, most often, the same kinds of challenges remove spaghetti noodles over and over. This isn’t the space to go into a detailed analysis of those challenges – they differ from situation to situation – or why we repeatedly let the same difficulties happen. Regardless, you can either keep trying to add spaghetti back to the pile (a focus on reactive self-care strategies) or work towards changing the conditions causing the challenges. Again, I can’t give you specific advice – that depends on many factors. Sometimes, that work includes how we think about the challenges. But often, it involves more substantial thought, perhaps a temporary increase in effort (and, yes, I appreciate how hard that is), and hard choices. Ones that lead to actions. Occasionally, that action will be something big. But more often, it is a small adjustment. You can’t change everything in your life. But can you create a new boundary? Decline an invitation? Give yourself permission not to be perfect*? Try a new time management system? Ask for help? Regardless, you should expect that it will be uncomfortable or difficult – if it wasn’t, you’d have already done it. If you aren’t familiar with Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), strategies common in that approach are often useful, and if you are interested, there are several self-guided options, such as The Happiness Trap that can provide more guidance.
I really like the “Yeti in My Spaghetti” metaphor because it applies to many different kinds of situations. In interpersonal relations, for example, we may “wear out our welcome,” ask for accommodations one too many times, etc. Suddenly, a behavior that “wasn’t a problem” becomes one. We have been removing spaghetti from the relationship pile and the Yeti falls. I am sure you can think of other situations where you can picture a Yeti sitting precariously on a big bowl of spaghetti. Interpersonal relationships, whether with family, significant others, friends, or co-workers, are most successful and meaningful when everyone’s spaghetti pile is robust enough to support a Yeti.
My wish for you in the new year is that you will have a huge pile of spaghetti. You deserve it.
*I highly recommend the books Four Thousand Weeks and Meditations for Mortals, both by Oliver Burkeman. Both are an excellent journey through letting go of the pursuit of some state of “finished” or “perfect” (“first I have to finish the things on my to-do list” “I have to do it all”) thinking.
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