Wait—Only One of You Is Doing ABA? Let’s Talk.

Picture this.

It’s 6:30 p.m., and dinner is finally on the table. Your child reaches for the iPad instead of their fork, and you calmly say, “First bites, then iPad,” just like you practiced with the therapist.But then your partner walks in, sees the frustration building, and says, “Just give it to him—we need to get through dinner.”

Suddenly, all your hard work feels undone. You're tired, your partner's exhausted, and your child is confused.

Sound familiar?

If so, you're not alone. Many families fall into the pattern of one parent being the “ABA parent” while the other stays on the sidelines. But here’s the thing: when only one parent is involved, it can make progress harder—for everyone.

This isn’t about blame. There are lots of reasons – jobs, commitments, and so many others. This is about what happens when only one parent is in the loop—and how it can hold your child (and your whole family) back.

Mixed Messages = Mixed Results

When only one parent knows the plan, your child is likely to receive a very different message depending on who is in the room. 

Parent 1 says, “First, clean up, then tablet.” 

Parent 2 hands over the tablet just to keep the peace. Now your child is confused, and nobody’s winning.

ABA only works if the rules are clear and consistent. That’s hard to do solo.

Skills Don’t Stick If They Don’t Generalize

We want our kids to use their skills everywhere—not just in therapy or with one parent. If your child can follow directions with one of you but melts down with the other, that’s not real progress. That’s limited learning. Both parents need to be involved in the process so that skills carry over to all the places your child lives, plays, and grows.

One of You Is Probably Exhausted

And yes, I mean you. If you’re the only one showing up to parent training, reinforcing behaviors, keeping track of goals, and making sure nobody’s biting anyone today—you are carrying a lot. It’s not sustainable. You deserve a teammate, not a sideline cheerleader.

You’re Not on the Same Page (Even If You Think You Are)

You love your kid. You want what’s best. But if you’re not both involved in therapy, chances are you’re not seeing the same picture. One of you might think, “That meltdown wasn’t a big deal,” while the other is thinking, “That was a huge behavior regression. ”You can’t work together if you don’t know what the goals are or how you’re measuring success. Being a united front means learning together.

You’re Missing Daily Opportunities

Therapy isn’t just something that happens in a clinic or with a BCBA. The real magic of ABA is in the little moments at home—bedtime routines, playtime, brushing teeth, getting shoes on. If only one parent knows how to turn those moments into learning opportunities, half the progress is getting left on the table.

This Doesn’t Have to Be a Huge Shift

Let’s be honest—life is a lot. Maybe one of you works full-time, travels frequently, or simply doesn’t feel comfortable with Zoom parent training. That’s okay. This isn’t about splitting everything 50/50.It’s about both parents knowing what’s going on, understanding the strategies, and showing up when it counts—even in small ways.

Bottom Line: Your Kid Deserves the Whole Team

When both parents are involved in ABA—even just a little—it makes a BIG difference.

More consistency.

Better generalization.

Less burnout.

More teamwork.

And most importantly? A better shot at long-term success.

So if you’re already in it deep—thank you. You're holding the line. Now’s the time to invite your partner in.

And if you’ve been sitting on the sidelines—no shame. Just know that your kid needs you. And your partner probably does, too.

Let’s do this together.

What Can You Do Next?

Not sure where to start? Try one of these simple steps:

• Ask to join the next parent training session—even if it’s just for 10 minutes.

• Pick one ABA strategy (like “first/then” or prompting) and practice it together at home.

• Set aside 10 minutes a week to talk about therapy goals and what's working (or not).

• Swap stories with your partner. “What did the therapist say today?” “How did drop-off go?”

• Tag in when the other parent is worn out. Even if you're not the expert, you're still the team.

• Let your therapy team know you want to get more involved—they’ll help guide the way.

You don’t have to do everything all at once. Just start with one small move toward being more connected—to the therapy, to your partner, and most of all, to your child’s growth.

You’ve got this.