Chores Without the Tears: Finding the Right Fit for Your Child

Every family wants their kids to be independent, but let's be honest—it takes effort, practice, and a whole lot of patience. For parents whose kids have autism, figuring out this independence thing can feel even trickier. They often wonder, "What should my child really be able to do at this age?" or "When am I helping too much?" Lots of parents want their child to help with chores, handle simple routines, and build daily living skills, but they have a hard time knowing what's a typical milestone versus what truly makes sense for their unique child's development.

Want to make chores and home routines way less stressful? A good, behavior-based plan can really help!

Essentially, these tasks come down to two key areas your child is developing:

1. Functional Skills: The everyday stuff your kid actually does, like putting away toys, helping with the dinner table, getting dressed, and brushing their teeth.

2. Executive Functioning: These are the "brain skills," like planning ahead, staying organized, following directions with multiple steps, and switching focus between different tasks.

Both sets of skills develop gradually, and both can be taught systematically—often earlier than you might expect—when we break tasks down, teach in small steps, and build naturally occurring reinforcement into everyday routines, that is! Your goal is to build your child's confidence and help them become more independent. You do this by setting expectations that fit their age and what they can do.

Age- and Developmentally Appropriate Chores: What’s Realistic and Why

Forget about what you think your child should do at their age meet them where they are. Autistic children often have a mix of strengths—maybe they're great at talking but struggle with detailed hand movements, or the other way around. The best approach is to start with tasks they can already handle which sets them up to learn new skills and use them in different situations.

Here is a quick chart that you can reference throughout this blog as we explore some of the variables that can make learning, and doing, chores more challenging.

How Executive Functioning Shapes Chores and Everyday Independence

Chores are not just about motor skills or knowing where things go. Underneath almost every household task is a set of executive functioning processes—planning, sequencing, working memory, flexibility, and self-regulation. These are areas where many children with autism experience delays or differences, and understanding this can help you set expectations that are both realistic and supportive.

Executive functioning impacts doing chores in five major ways:

Task Initiation: Getting Started Is Often the Hardest Part

Many parents say, “Once they start, they do fine.” The barrier is that moment between instruction and action.

Initiating a task may be challenging because the task feels overwhelming or unclear. In other cases, there may be competing reinforcers (toys, screens, preferred activities) that are more immediately available. Not only that, but while the need to get started on a chore may be obvious to us, for your child there may not be an internal cue to begin without an external prompt.

What this means for chores: Even age-appropriate tasks may require visual reminders, timers, or environmental cues to start reliably.

Working Memory: Holding Instructions in Mind

Chores—even “simple” ones—often require children to remember what they are supposed to do next. For example, “Clean your room” may really involve: • Pick up clothes • Put books on the shelf • Make the bed • Throw trash away.

For a child with limited working memory, this becomes an impossible task unless the adult breaks it down.

What this means for chores: Visual checklists, step-by-step task lists, and breaking tasks into small, sequential steps allow your child to perform the task without relying on verbal memory.

Planning and Sequencing: Knowing Where to Start and What Comes Next

Your child may be able to perform individual steps but struggle to organize the steps into a coherent sequence.

This is why a child may be able to fold clothes, carry the laundry, and put items in drawers…

…but cannot complete all three in order without a prompt.

What this means for chores: Teach tasks as sequences, not as isolated steps. Build independence gradually by removing prompts one step at a time.

Cognitive Flexibility: Managing Changes or “Unexpected” Steps

Chores rarely go perfectly. A spill happens. A cloth is missing. Someone moved the recycling box. Inflection points like these can derail a child who struggles with flexibility or problem solving.

What this means for chores: Predictability helps, but you can also teach coping skills, simple problem-solving scripts, and ways to request help without shutting down.

Self-Regulation: Managing Frustration, Boredom, and Delayed Reinforcement

Chores take time. They are not inherently reinforcing. Children may experience boredom, frustration, fatigue, and distraction. Many children with autism require external reinforcement and emotional support until the routine becomes familiar and fluent.

What this means for chores: Use short tasks, built-in reinforcement, and clear expectations. The goal is to keep participation positive and predictable.

Keeping in mind executive functioning challenges, instead of focusing only on "motivation," makes a huge difference. It helps you match what you expect to your child's actual skills. This mindset takes the pressure off everyone and sets up a clear, step-by-step way for your child to become more independent.

How to Set Up Chores Successfully: ABA Strategies That Make Independence Achievable

Teaching independence requires a step-by-step plan, not just expectation. Set up the environment for success and use smart reinforcement and prompts. These research-backed strategies can help you start and maintain a chore routine, addressing organizational challenges and boosting your child's confidence.

Start with One Chore and Build

To keep everyone from getting totally frustrated and overwhelmed, the best way to teach chores with ABA is to take it one step (that is, one chore!) at a time.

• Pick Just One (Start Simple): Only introduce a single chore at first. Choose something that matters to your child and is relatively easy for them to learn.

• Lock It Down: Spend enough time teaching that one chore until your child can do it perfectly, every time, without your help.

• Then Add More: Don't add another chore until the first is running on autopilot.

  
  

The secret to success is resisting the urge to change a bunch of things at once!

Anticipate Barriers and Teach Problem-Solving

Chores will naturally have a few little speed bumps—maybe something's not where it should be, there's a little obstruction, or a supply has run out.

Instead of expecting your child to figure things out on their own right away, teach them some simple steps for solving problems. This proactive approach helps them bounce back quicker and keeps frustration to a minimum.

Quick Problem-Solving Ideas:

• When you're confused: "If I'm not sure what to do next, I'll look at my checklist."

• When you can't find something: "If I can't find something, I'll just ask for help."

• When there's a spill: "If I spill something, I'll grab a towel."

Use Prompting Strategically and Fade Prompting Early

Prompts are super helpful when teaching, but we have to gradually stop using them so kids don't get stuck waiting for a cue before starting something. The whole point is to build their independence!

Good Prompts to Use:

• Model it: Show them exactly what to do.

• Point or Gesture: Use non-verbal cues.

• Physical Help:

  • Hand-over-hand (great for motor skills).

  • A little bit of physical guidance.

• Say it (Sparingy): Keep verbal cues to a minimum.

The ABA Rule of Thumb: Start with the smallest hint that you know will work, and then get rid of it as fast as you can!

Use Task Analyses for Every Chore

A task analysis (TA) is a super helpful teaching tool that breaks down a complex job into a bunch of smaller, easy-to-manage steps. Even simple stuff, like wiping a counter, gets clearer because every action is defined.

Kids with autism often do great when they learn skills one step at a time. Use prompts at each step and then slowly remove them as they get the hang of it.

Create Predictability with Routines

For kids with autism, keeping things consistent can be super important for their success. When you set up predictable routines for chores, you'll see a lot more cooperation and less arguing or pushback.

Examples of Consistent Chore Expectations:

• "The dishwasher gets unloaded right after snack time, every day."

• "All dirty clothes go in the basket every night before bath time."

• "Trash duty is every Monday and Thursday, without fail."

Turning Chores into a Good Thing: Focus on 'Getting It Done' and Responsibility

When it comes to chores, the real goal is for kids to get fluent at them and learn responsibility, not to do them perfectly every single time. To help make chores a positive, regular part of their day, consistent encouragement is essential.

This kind of encouragement really boosts their engagement and effort, especially for those chores that take a lot of focus and planning.

Keep Chores Short, Structured, and Achievable

Want to keep chores from becoming a huge headache and help everyone stay motivated? Start small and keep it simple! Chores that are too long or complicated can quickly turn into a negative experience.

Tips for making it manageable:

• Keep it Quick: Tasks shouldn't drag on forever.

• Clear Start/Stop: Make sure everyone knows exactly when the chore begins and ends.

• Know the Goal: Be clear about what a successful result looks like.

• Level Up Slowly: Only make chores harder or add more steps once your child has really mastered the current level.

This approach keeps things moving and positive, which is the best way to learn and grow!

Conclusion: Building Independence One Step at a Time

Teaching independence through chores requires patience, planning, and understanding your child's developmental skills. The goal is consistent growth and boosted confidence, not perfection. View chores as opportunities for building life skills. Small, intentional steps lead to greater autonomy, responsibility, and the pride of contributing.

Your team is always here to provide guidance for your unique child and family needs! Just ask!!